It was my fifth grade Christmas pageant
I went up to read my passage
Got the giggles, the kind that you can’t stop
I crept back to my seat
Face as red as boys are mean
He said, “Hey fat girl, you ruined everything.”
I wiped the tears off my glasses
On my velvet Christmas dress
And I wondered if I’d ever be pretty
Watched the mirrorball spin
Around the middle school gym
Hopes were high, but I was shy, and he was a cool kid
My best friend asked him
To ask me to dance
He said, “I can’t, she’s too fat.”
And he just laughed
I pretended not to cry
By the free throw line
And I wondered if I’d ever be pretty
When I was 17
Some old has-been said to me
“Honey, you look like a million bucks
But if you lost 30 pounds
Oh, just think about it
I bet you’d look like 20 million.”
So I cut hard and I cut fast
Ran round and round the high school track
There wasn’t one damn calorie I didn’t know
I stuck fingers down my throat
To fit into my skinny coat
We all pretended not to notice the water running
Brushed my teeth and wiped my eyes
On a polka dot towel
I wondered if I’d ever be pretty
Now that I’ve grown up
I’ve tried to learn to love
Every curve, every line, every imperfection
There’s a woman in the mirror
But sometimes I still see her
The little girl who would never be pretty
I step up and let some number
Make it a good or bad day
I’ll be damned if I’ll ever be pretty
credits
from Autonomy,
released October 23, 2020
Written by Stephanie Lambring
A very clever songwriter and an album that bears many, many repeat listens. Worth the price for the Little Feat reference (in Tehachapi) alone, but it's her way with an image that sticks longest. "You left the building in a flurry / Had your boots on in the house." Caoimhín